“IT'S NO LONGER FAIR to charge someone a $3.35 fare when they’re right about to end their life,” TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) spokesperson, Kent Gomery, tells OCT. “Jumpers make up a sizeable portion of our user base and we're proud to finally show our recognition by offering this slight consolation to those availing themselves of our services for the spring season.”

Despite being the third largest North American transit system, the TTC is also the least subsidized one in north america, with 70% of its revenue coming from riders’ fares, while the other 30% comes from riders’ tax dollars. To Kent, the facts are clear: “Torontonians spend up to 80% of their free time in the subway. Babies are born down there. People miss job interviews, important tests, getting to say goodbye to loved ones, open mic nights- all because of the TTC. Their lives are shaped by this service. We get that this is more than just transit, and we're aiming to give the citizens of Toronto what they really want.”

“We know that things have gotten really hard in this city,” Gomery sympathizes. “Prices for basic human rights like groceries and rent are untenably high. We’ve heard our users’ complaints and are here to provide for them, should they make what is at this point the obvious leap in logic."

In an era when most Torontonians have been choking back abject capitalist practices unrestrainedly force-fed to them by landlords and bureaucrats, unchecked by any ethical, humanist societal or governmental body, it comes to many as refreshing to see Toronto’s only official underground transit network offering this small lozenge of hope to Torontonians who’ve too long been gargling the city’s pablum:

Ron Chasney, an educator with a doctorate in Astroornithology, says he finds the opportunity invigorating. "I mean the price of kohlrabi is out of control, North American bird populations have dropped by 2.9 billion just in my lifetime, and student's don't want education any longer- they just want to play ninja turtles. They aren't kids. These are college aged adults pretending they are ninja turtles, jumping around and throwing cardboard ninja stars while I'm teaching."

"It seems like a great deal!" says software deprogrammer Norm Dadboddy. "I always imagined I'd die getting culturejammed in a woke-ist performance art masterpiece, but knowing I can save a couple bucks I'll likely reconsider."

"The TTC no longer works as a valid transit system since the incident, so it'll be good to see it put to some use," says Joanne Farcus, a vintage clothing reviewer, "other than as a dog graveyard."

Alicsandria Demigog, a recent graduate with a degree in baroque water maths had this to say: "Even with a decent job, paying off my student debt would take most of my lifetime, or 0.002% of Toronto's annual police budget. A $3.35 fare might not seem like much, but for recent graduates just trying to get their face in the door, every penny helps!"

If it's disheartening to hear of students and young graduates excitement for the program, it's important to understand how disillusioned many are with the amount of resistance the city puts up in helping them achieve anything at all. Consider the crushing pain of optimistically voting to elect Prime Minister Justin Trudeau based on his promise to "permanently eliminate the federal interest on Canada Student Loans" in the 2021 federal election, only to see his Liberal government then collect close to $4 billion from their own citizens in student loan interest during his current term alone. In the face of such bald hypocrisy by one's own elected government, even a monkey would want to end their own life.

But, when asked if he's worried it might be too good a deal, Kent Gomery says not really. “Traditionally we experience the majority of our jumpers around the winter holidays– people who wait for financial ruin, resurfacing familial trauma or just plain winter blahs to take action. However, many don’t realize that the summer season, with its forest fires and other horrendous reminders of climate catastrophe, societal pressures to constantly confront our own body dysmorphia on public beaches, and the ever-present nuisance of overly cocky content creators running unbullied in the streets, summer also makes for a great time to jump.”