Summer in the city is like using other people’s armpits as a hot tub: warm and relaxing and it smells good. Here’s our list for visitors and countrymen alike of 10 enormous things to do in the City That Never Cares.

1. Hide out under the bridge near Queen’s Quay and Spadina

Located between HtO Park and HtO Park West, this secret spot is a favourite among young lovers, students of City School Alternative, and let’s face it, Toronto’s soaring troll population. Here you’ll get the classical romantic experience of swans canoodling intimately before an epic lakeside vista, quaintly marred by the presence of large rotting fish carcasses, eddying pools of trash, and the dangerous thrill which accompanies light trespassing. No joke, the author was there once and saw a fish corpse that was bigger (and cuter) than a dog.

Bonus: It’s just a short walk into Lake Ontario!

2. Ride the TTC

I know, I know, transit is supposed to be functional, not a spectacle for your enjoyment and fear. But believe me when I say that the TTC is not functional and serves as a wonderful attraction for those seeking a Cirque du Soleil or Sleep No More type experience on the cheap. In the labyrinth below the city is a veritable orgy of masturbating clowns engrossed in horrors beyond any Shakespearean tragedy (I‘m looking at you, Titus Andronicus). Here is where Torontonians come to gut fish, shit in McDonald’s cups, change their dog’s diapers, and clip their toenails while loudly eating stinky food. While it is more of a Hallowe’en attraction it never gets more unhinged than in the summer months. If you want that authentic haunted house experience, you’ll be glad to know that the number of knife incidents has risen dramatically in recent months.

Bonus: iPhone users be sure to keep airdrop turned on for free dickpics!

3. Skydive from a crane into a pit

For nearly 8 months of the year, Toronto is a frozen hellscape, which means nearly every construction project is rushed into the city’s scant summer months. Thrill-seekers can climb enormous rooftop cranes and skydive into any of the hundreds of deep pits pockmarking the city. These are the future sites of cheaply built condominiums whose construction clogs city traffic for seemingly decades only to add to Toronto’s some 65,000 empty living units. Human rights, schmooman rights. Instead of donating a small portion of these empty units to help any of the city’s 10,000 unhoused people become healthy and productive citizens, the owners of these condos hire “property guardians” to literally keep people from living in the empty condos. But you won’t find any complaints from this author! Making money is a highly regarded aspiration which should #trump any sort of neighbourly Good-Samaritan-type gesture, even when it’s at the high cost of civil dysfunction and distress.

Bonus: No parachute? No problem!

4. Become disappointed by our sports teams

Love an underdog? What about the dog under that? That’s right none of Toronto’s sports teams are very good. Yes, the Raptors won in 2019, but what have they done for us lately? I will say one thing though: if you like seeing the ball go, man does it go. There’s no finer way to exhibit your love of the game itself than by falling for teams that are almost guaranteed to lose. Thankfully there is no shortage of $22 dollar beers in which to drown your sorrows.

Bonus: A jersey here only costs as much as 16 hamsters (about half the cost of a parrot)!

5. Play pretend at a strip club

Despite nearly all of the fun cultural institutions having fallen to Toronto’s abysmal lack of interest in arts and literature, the handful of enormous strip clubs somehow still hauntingly bespangle our busiest streets, as old and disgusting as a presidential candidate. No one’s ever been in one of these establishments, so for all we know they are an ideal place for you to absolutely drench in your white-hot imagination. While there you can pretend you are in an escape room, searching every nook and cranny (make sure to ask consent!) to reveal the mystery. Half-written suicide notes, a friendship bracelet made of cheese-string wrappers, and a used condom: What do they mean!? Similar to a real escape room, strip clubs are expensive places your friends drag you to which you are constantly trying to leave despite that you entered willingly if against your better judgement.

Bonus: Naked people. Feast your eyes on the whole bodies of some of the city’s people.

6. Become gayer

This one’s legit. Despite our loser politicians sending cops and refusing to participate in Toronto’s greatest annual celebration of freedom, the pride parade, Toronto remains the best place on earth to be gay. While in most countries, gay people are fucked in the bad way, in Toronto they are fucked in the good way. Trying to figure out just how gay you are? Want to know if you’re a top, a bottom, a slice of meat in the middle, or just a wilty little leaf of lettuce, or just a spattering of mayonnaise, or just that single long slice of pickle that just hangs there limply at the very top? Come here and be nearly unimpeded by backwards politics!

Bonus: Yes, there was a serial killer in the gay village that the police neglected to take seriously, but he’s in jail now!

7. Piss yourself in the middle of Dundas Square

If you’re a fan of Guy Debord’s Society of the Spectacle, look no further than Dundas Square. If you’ve ever wished you could live inside an advertisement for cell phone plans, then you will be pleased by the abundance of monstrously large screens that loom here, imposingly whittling your humanity down to a nub. This imaginative city project inserted a huge slab of concrete with little to no personality or greenery at the city’s busiest intersection. Here you can feel free to lie down and piss yourself for as long as you want as there are seemingly no piss police in this area. Historians will be interested to visit the sites where iconic businesses like Sam the Record Man, World’s Biggest Bookstore, the Funland Arcade, Silver Snail Comics, and other essential cultural institutions once stood, now replaced by Adidas stores and god knows what else.

Bonus: If you find you’d like your opinions on religion and abortion aggressively refuted, you will find a plethora of folks ready to angrily confront you about your heathen lifestyle while you contemplate which fast-fashion brand to feed your income to.

8. Sniff the bathrooms at Sneaky Dee’s

With its The Simpson’s trivia nights, king’s crown nacho platter, and iconic signage by the inimitable Fiona Smyth, this institution is a cornerstone of Toronto nightlife. But the real show stealers here are their ooey-gooey basement washrooms. Here you will find half torn flyers for Toronto’s hippest indie bands from 2007, the finest poetry Toronto has to offer scrawled on bathroom doors in sharpie, and endless numbers for sex chat lines, all coated in a fine film of at least 3 generations of piss. It’s a smell you really can’t find anywhere else, so enjoy!

Bonus: If they’re lucky, women may even find a list of local perverts to avoid!

9. There’s always Ron

Despite his appearance Ron has the regular amount of cells, and he’s always up to split a stogie in one of Toronto’s bucolic alleyways. Position the stogie so that one end is going into Ron’s mouth and the lit end is going into your own mouth. When your brain is full of smoke, swap ends. There’s no finer way to split a stogie than to stand six inches away from Ron, staring into his eyes with the stogie going in between your mouths. When his face gets too red, that’s when it’s time to swap, don’t let him hog it all!

Bonus: Forgot your lighter? Instead of pants, Ron wears a folded shower curtain completely filled to the brim with gasoline!

10. Drink blood out front of Drake’s house.

There’s some blood out front of Drake’s house. Whose blood? Who cares! It’s free blood, man!