ADMIT IT! YOU LOVE TO FLIRT with Chat GPT. Who doesn’t? But would you believe A.I. may have more uses than being your personal girlfriend? Introducing the Toronto Police Department’s new Artificial Intelligence Force (A.I.F.), which has already been implemented in apprehending Sonja, a mother of three who was apprehended while grabbing a quick cigarette break upon finishing her grocery shopping. Unfortunately for Sonja, she was just 7 inches inside the non-smoking radius of the store, which shows you just how accurate A.I.F. can be. Owing to the insolence of her act, Sonja was able to be ticketed, charged, and receive a criminal record all within five minutes of committing her crime. In the coming years, this new system could make the city billions of dollars in bylaw fines which have often gone underenforced.

We sat down at police headquarters with A.I.F. program representative, officer Pener Zayn, to see what Torontonians can expect.

OCT: So, what does A.I.F. actually look like?

Officer Zayn: Well, because his name A.I.F. looks like ‘Alf' when you write it out, you know the sitcom alien? Well, we made a little Alf costume for him. I can’t say that all units will look like Alf, but if they did it would certainly help ease the blow of being tasered for jaywalking(1).

And if being tasered for jaywalking(2) sounds a little extreme for you, like many cops Alf thankfully has a “Bills Received In Blame Exemption” feature, allowing lawbreakers to pay a small sum to avoid stricter punishments such as being tasered for jaywalking(3). And yes, it takes AMEX.

OCT: How are fees and punishments decided upon, given the lack of judge and jury in A.I.F. related cases?

Officer Zayn: Well, he may look adorable, but he’s still an A.I.; his logic is infallible, which really means there is no longer the need for judge or jury in future society, just executioner. For now A.I.F. will be limited to by-laws such as ‘lingering on public benches’, ‘swearing in parks’ (§ 608-3), or ‘picking flowers’ (§ 608-6), but eventually it will be trained on more advanced crimes, for which punishments could be anything from ordinary public humiliation for a section 997 [failure to laugh at an officer’s joke], to being forced to wear one of those exploding neck collars that one lady made, if you were say a consistent repeat offender of a section 997 or worse.

OCT: How will A.I.F. improve the quality of policing in the city?

Officer Zayn: Since we got such a generous $48.3 million budget increase in 2023, and then another $20 million budget increase in 2024, we've really doubled down on dredging up more arcane and minor bylaws with which to persecute offenders. Even so, there are still thousands of antiquated rules that no human can reasonably be expected to remember. It would be like learning chess- just too difficult for anyone to understand or bother with. Here's some examples of crimes you probably didn't know about: 'smiling too much or too little during a traffic stop', 'excessive breathing in a public washroom', 'coveting produce at a vegetable stand', 'excessive ogling of a dog', 'imagining a pornographic thought', 'making a telephone call outside the confines of a phone booth', 'making stew without a permit', 'excessive catching of snowflakes on one's tongue', 'for a woman to wear a corduroy hat', 'exhibiting penis envy', 'expressions of emotion in a Bulk Barn', 'showing one's middle finger to the sun or moon', 'pestering an ant colony', 'drawing a frightening face', and 'sniffing the mouth or anus of a fire hydrant'. So, to answer your question, by dredging up these recondite offenses we will be this much closer to enforcing every single law, thus creating a perfectly just society. In addition, with A.I. focus on solving lesser crimes it will free up a lot of time for human officers to spend in keeping our streets safe, either by shooting homeless people, or enacting violence on homeless people.

OCT: Do you have anything to say to those concerned that using A.I. technology in this way is maybe going a bit too far?

Officer Zayne: We are just meat. It’s his world now.

Torontonians can expect to see their first fuzzy A.I.F. units in parks and subways this summer of 2024. Just remember, A.I.F. is legally a police officer, so you might want to brush up on your A.I. humour, lest you commit an accidental 997 (we'll help you get started, below). Failure to do so could mean this joke will most certainly be at your expense: